


Gone

by flootzavut



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst, Episode Related, Episode: s10e16 Where There's a Will There's a War, Episode: s11e16 Goodbye Farewell and Amen, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Rage eats a chicken, Unhappy Ending, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-08 00:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17376032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: Writing it down makes it feel so... permanent. And it can't be. It really can't, because... because it justcan't.





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sapientivore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapientivore/gifts).



> Sigma, I really hope you enjoy this! Happy new year 😚

* * *

**_Gone_ **

* * *

 

> ~~Dear Peg~~
> 
> ~~Dearest Peg~~
> 
> ~~Peggy~~
> 
> ~~My darling~~

He doesn't know how to start. Nothing's coming out right. How does he say 'I've lost half my reason to keep going and I don't know what to do?'

> Dear Peg,
> 
> Hawk's gone.

Writing it down makes it feel so... permanent. And it can't be. It really can't, because... because it just _can't_.

> No one knows what happened. No one knows where he is. I try to keep hoping, but he wouldn't leave like this ~~he wouldn't leave me like this~~ he wouldn't just vanish without explaining.
> 
> Margaret keeps telling me it'll be okay, that she's sure it's 'just one of Pierce's little pranks', with a worried, brittle smile that doesn't reach her eyes. Charles pretends not to be concerned, but he keeps looking at the door of the Swamp as if he expects Hawk to come through it any moment. Even Father Mulcahy is hard pressed to keep his spirits up; he's probably worn out his rosary with praying, and I've seldom seen him so somber. I wish I could believe it's doing any good.
> 
> (As for me, I'm a basket case. If one more person says 'I'm sure he'll be all right, BJ' to me, I may do something worthy of a court martial.)
> 
> We've been here before - that night he was up at the front and we heard a surgeon was dead, and I was so convinced it was Hawk. They told me not to borrow trouble then, too, and they were right. ~~I don't know if I've ever been that relieved~~ I was so glad when I saw those sutures. You should've heard me. I whooped like some kind of madman right there in the middle of the OR. I got yelled at before they knew what I was whooping about.
> 
> But this is different.
> 
> You see, Peg, something awful happened. Something... something I can't even talk about. I don't even want to tell you, because it was so... it was really bad, Peg.

He doesn't ever want Peg to have to know. But part of him really does, too, because the only reason for Peg to ever know is so she's prepared when she meets Hawkeye, and he has to believe that one day, they will meet. If he never tells Peg, then it means she never meets Hawk, and if she never meets Hawk...

> Hawk had to go to Tokyo. He was real shook up, he was - it was bad. Sidney was looking after him. There's a psych hospital down there. I went to visit, but Hawk... I never got to say any of the things I most wanted to say. I didn't get a chance to tell him I was coming home.

He trusted Sidney. He trusted Sidney to know what to do, what to say. To know when Hawk was better. He thought it would be okay. And now Hawk's disappeared, no one knows why, and there's ice in BJ's veins. He never got to say goodbye. He didn't get home for Erin's birthday, and now Hawk's gone, and it was _not_ worth it, not for this.

BJ wants to blame Sidney, but he's terribly afraid it's his own fault.

> They sent me back here - they said they needed another surgeon, I was replacing myself. The army does things like that. And I was annoyed, but at least I'd get to see Hawk again, get to tell him I'm sorry. Tell him how much he means to me. Tell him goodbye.
> 
> But Peg, the reason they needed me too, the reason they couldn't do without a fourth surgeon, is because Hawk's gone. And no one knows where or why. The war's almost over, and Hawk's gone. I don't know what to do, Peg. He survived so long, he made it almost to the end, and I'm so scared. ~~What if he's dead, what if I never see him again?~~ I don't know what to do. ~~What if it's my fault, Peg?~~

Hawk wouldn't have disappeared if BJ'd been here. The only reasons he would disappear are either ridiculous courage or absolute despair, and if BJ had been here... 

> I punched Sidney. They brought him up here because Hawk did something crazy, but he didn't get here in time and I was so mad at him when he arrived. He's not pressing charges, he convinced Potter not to send it up the chain of command, but that didn't change the shiner he had when he left. ~~I'm not sorry. I hate him for leaving~~ He stuck around longer than he was meant to in case they found Hawk, and I should be grateful (he has other patients, he's not our private shrink), but I'm not.
> 
> He shouldn't have sent Hawk back. He should've sent Hawk home. He'd be back in Crabapple Cove by now. Safe.
> 
> No one expects Hawk to turn up again. And the army isn't willing to go looking for one errant surgeon, either, they've done nothing. They say they're doing what they can, but that's army talk for carrying on exactly as before. (And surgeons are a lot more expendable now the armistice is approaching.) 'Everything that can be done' means nothing, because they don't believe anything can be done. Even Colonel Potter just gives me this sad expression and tells me, 'Now's the time to pray, son.'
> 
> I can't think that way, though. I can't - I can't lose him, Peg! I'm sorry, I just can't. Will you ever forgive me for what I'm about to do? ~~Can Erin forgive me if she doesn't even remember me?~~
> 
> I love you both very much. I promise I'll come back. ~~I'll try~~
> 
> With all my heart,
> 
> Your Beej

BJ's never signed a letter home like that before, with Hawk's nickname for him, but it feels right. He folds the paper neatly in thirds and slips it into the envelope. Army channels won't do; he never really trusted them, and he trusts them even less now. But Klinger, he trusts. Klinger will get it back to the US, back to Peg, and she'll understand, even if she can't forgive him.

He can't think about that right now, though. There's something he has to do, something only he's willing to do. He doesn't know how he's going to do it, but he's the only one who will try.

* * *

 

> Dear Mrs. Hunnicutt,
> 
> We regret to inform you that your husband, Captain B. J. Hunnicutt, has been reported missing in action. The notification states that Captain Hunnicutt went missing in the early hours of July 25, 1953, near Uijeongbu, Korea, following the disappearance of one of his colleagues, a Captain B. F. Pierce.
> 
> We apologise that we cannot provide more information at this time.
> 
> Every possible effort is being made to find and recover the two men.
> 
> With deepest sympathies,
> 
> Charlton J. Eldridge

* * *


End file.
